I love convenience stores. Why? Because they are, by their very nature, at least intended to be convenient. Who doesn't love convenience? You love convenience. Don't lie to me, you know you do. Seriously, how many things do you do solely because they are inconvenient? None. Unless you're a masochist, at which point, you're stupid. No, you may do a lot of inconvenient things but you do them for other reasons. Everything else, you do it because it is convenient.
And so we are blessed with the greatest of God's inventions, the convenience store. Screw Wal*Mart, I can drive to the Seven Eleven down the street, get a beer, get gas, a couple of energy drinks, some M&M's, a book on tape, and if I need them, Milk and Eggs! And I can do it all without having to tolerate your average Wal*Mart patron (which is worth it alone. I do go to places for the sole purpose of knowing that the people there do not shop at Wal*Mart. Places like libraries).
Your average convenience store is closer, cleaner, and employs more intelligent people educated in the ways of personal hygene than your average Wal*Mart. They are a precious resource, but in order to keep things that way, we need to all come together to observe a few simple rules:
1) DO NOT BUY LOTTO/LOTTERY TICKETS! Go somewhere else. In fact, give it up, you will not win. Even if you do win, chances are you are only going to win enough money to buy another ticket. Give it up. Hitting the lottery is not a dream, it is fucktardary, and you make the normal line wait behind your stupid ass.
2) DO NOT PAY IN ANY CURRENCY OTHER THAN CASH! No food stamps, checks, credit cards, or wampum. Good cold hard cash. Even better, for whatever object you are going to buy, round it's price up to the next whole dollar, and pay that amount. No more, no less. I don't want to see your fucking penny jar, and the cashier does not care if you have exact change, nor do the people behind you whose precious life you are wasting. If you want to count pennies, go to a bank and count them there, I don't go to banks, so you won't be wasting my time.
3) CONTROL YOUR HELLSPAWN! I'm holding a double gulp, two energy drinks, and a bottle of diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. The last thing I need is for your friggin unwashed loin fruit to bump into mean as they squeal at intolerable levels. I'm a parent, when my daughter acts up, you know what I do, I tell her to shut her mouth and be still. It's called parenting, you assholes, try it once in a great.
4) IF YOU'RE GONNA BUST ASS, DO IT IN THE STATIONARY SECTION. You know the section I'm talking about, the one where there are notepads, tylenol packs, and mouthwash all crammed on one shelf. No one goes to that part of the store, drop your gas bombs there, don't try and squeeze one out by the soda freezers and blame it on me, I will punch you.
5) GO PANHANDLE SOMEWHERE ELSE. Yes I have change. I'm going to the convenience store to spend the change... on me. I'm a very generous person, just not when I'm trying to get my damn chicken and horseradish flavored taquitarillo, capice?
6) DO NOT HAGGLE OVER PRICES/CHARGES. Despite the fact that the most expensive item in a convenience store is not even ten measley fucking dollars, you still have people who will bitch about the price, and then bitch about getting charged an extra 3 cents. Go to McDonald's and bitch about them fucking up your drive through order, do not sit and make me wait in line as you get into an argument with the clerk over less money than there is in the "give a penny, take a penny" tray.
7) IF YOU ARE PURCHASING SOMETHING BEHIND THE COUNTER, KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS, AND WHERE BEHIND THE COUNTER IT IS. This is not a fast food restaurant, the products directly behind the cashier are not a menu, and I do not have the patience to wait for you as you try and figure out what brand of cigarettes or phone card you want to buy.
8) IF YOU ARE PURCHASING SOMETHING OFF OF THE "GRILL" GO TO THE END OF THE LINE. I can't blame you, some of the hot food in a convenience store can be mighty tasty, but it's not so tasty that the rest of us deserve to wait as the attendent leaves the cash register just to serve you, oh wise one, great leader of the universe, let us all bow down to you, and stop what we are doing, just because you have the friggin' munchies.
9) SAVE YOUR DOMESTIC STATS FOR YOUR HOME. I don't care who cheated on who, who won't let who have money, who is a moron because they let the gas or oil get too low, or anything else that might have tainted the image of your otherwise rosy home life. Save that drama for home, not when I'm getting my 64 oz. root beer. It pisses me off.
10) DO NOT TALK TO THE OTHER PATRONS. Speaking of things I don't care about, I don't care about your family, your job, your favorite sports team, the weather, your political views, your apparent impression that you are smarter, better looking, or more important than the cashier, your car, the traffic, your take on the news, the television programs you watched last night, or you for that matter. Do not talk to me.
There you go, ten simple rules to keeping the convenience store experience a pleasant one. If we all work hard on obeying these rules we can avoid that awkward situation where I'm forced to kick you in the throat.
